Honouring our Parents
1) We must be verv careful to honor and revere our parents ( Yorah Daisha 240:1) A child should consider his parents distinguished, even if they are not considered distinguished otyers. ( Chayai Odom 67:3)
2) The basic aspect of this commandment is that we must always speak to our parents in a soft and pleasant tone of voice. (Sefer Charaidim, positive commandments fulfilled by the mouth)
The Talmud ( Bava Metzia 58b) states that to distress someone with words is worse than to cheat him financially. Taking away someone’s dignity and happiness is worse than taking away his money. How many people would cheat their own mothers? Surely, only the most reprehensible. But speaking disrespectfully towards one’s mother is a worse crime. (Rabbi Avigdor Miller)
3) A child must not contradict his parent (Yorah Daiah 240: 1)
If your parent tells you to do something, you must do it ( unless it is contrary to Torah) even if your parent will not actually derive pleasure from it. Failure to do as requested is considered contradicting your parent.
4) A child must not call his parent by name ( Yorah Daiah 240: 1). However, if someone asked him: “Whose son are you?” he is permitted to state his parent’s name (Pischai Tshuvah 240:2). Also, it is permissible for a child to write his father’s name
5) A child must not stand in the place where his father always stands when he takes counsel with other scholars or in the place where his father always stands to pray. Similarly, a child must not sit in the place where his father always sits.
6) A child should give food, drink, and clothes to his parents. He must serve them with a pleasant facial expression; for if he serves them fattened capon, but shows them a dismal face, he will be punished. On the other hand, if a child causes his father to do hard labor at a mill, but his intention is to save him from a worse fate, and he shows his father his true intentions, he will inherit the world to come. A person’s attitude and manner of speaking to his parents is what counts. ( Yorah Daiah 240: 4)
7) When children study Torah and are well-behaved, it is an honor for their parents.
8) A son’s obligation to give drink and food to his parents refers to drink and food paid for by the parents. If, however, the parents do not have money, the son is obligated to spend his own money to supply them with food. (Yorah Daiah 240:5)
9) You are obligated to stand up before your father and mother ( Yorah Daiah 240: 7) . When you stand up to honor your parents, you should sit down afterwards. Even if you will have to immediately stand up again to go somewhere, you should first sit down to show that you stood up solely to honor your parents (Sefer Chasidim 91). Even if a person’s parent is blind, and will not realize that his child stood up before him, the child is obligated to rise. ( Chidushai Rav Akiva Eiger, Y. D. 240: 5)
10) A child has no right to humiliate or embarrass his parents, regardless of what they do to him. Even if someone’s parent took his wallet full of money and threw it into the sea in his presence. he must not humiliate him or grow angry at him. Rather, he must accept that Torah’s decree and remain silent. There is a halachic opinion that if a parent wants to throw away a child’s money, the child has a right to prevent him from doing so. After the parent has thrown the money away the child has no right to insult his parent, but does have the right to make a claim against him in court. ( Yorah Daiah 240: 8)
11) If a son sees that his father has violated a Torah law, he should not say, “You have violated a law.” He should phrase his statement as if it were a question “Father, does it say such and such an such in the Torah?” – rather than as an admonition. In this way the father will realize the error on his own and will not be embarrassed.
12) The mitzvah of Torah study is greater than the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother ( Yorah Daiah 240: 13) . Therefore, you may leave home to study Torah, even though you will not be able to honor your parents while you are away.
13) If someone’s parent tells him to violate either a Torah law or rabbinical ordinance, he is forbidden to comply. ( Yorah Daiah 240: 15)
14) If a son wishes to study Torah in a particular city because he feels certain that he will succeed in his studies there, and his parents oppose his choice because they fear for their son’s physical safety in that city, the son is not obligated to listen to them. ( Yorah Daiah 240: 25; see Minchas Yitzchok, vol. 5, no. 79) In such instances the son must word his refusal in the most polite and tactful manner possible.
15) If a person’s parent told him not to speak to someone ( out of hatred) or not to forgive him he should not heed that order. It is f forbidden to hate others even if a parent says otherwise. ( Yorah Daiah 240: 16; Shach and Taz)
16) Parents must not act cruelly toward their children, nor need-lessly cause them anguish.
( Sefer Habris, part 2, no. 13) A parent is forbidden to burden his children excessively, and to be overly concerned about their respect for him, for this would constitute a stumbling block. Rather a parent should forgive his children and overlook things for a parent has the right to forgo his honor. ( Yorah Daia 240: 19)
The directive to parents not to overburden their children certainly refers to psychological burdens also, and very often the stress and pressures that parents being to bear on their children can cause great strain. For parents and children to have a proper relationship, parents must show understanding, respects and patience toward their children. Every child needs to be loved by his parents, and most important to be accepted for what he is. ( Rabbi Aaron Brahman in Jewish obesetveg , April 1977)
17) A child must be very careful not to awaken his parents. The Talmud relates to a certain Dama Ben Nesina was willing to suffer great financial loss rather than disturb his fathers sleep and for this he was greatly rewarded. ( Kidushin 31a). If a parent needs to be woken up, whenever it is preferable for his children to ask someone else to do so. (Aruch Hashulchan 240:40)
18) If a parent is opposed to his son’s marrying a certain woman. the son is not obligated to listen to the parent ( Yorah Daiah 240: 25) The same applies to a daughter (Nodah B’yehuda, vol. 2, El’en H aezer, no. 45). The above applies only when the parent will not suffer humiliation from his child’s marrying that particular person. But if the parent will be embarrassed by the marriage, the child is forbidden to go against the parent’s wishes ( Mais hic Dovor, Y.D 50)
19) Both men and women are obligated to honor and revere their father and mother. When a woman is married, however, she has a greater obligation to listen to her husband. ( Yorah Daiah ~40: 17)
20) The father of a married daughter should not ask favors of her while she is doing something for her husband. If, however, a husband knows that his wife’s father wants her to do something for him, it is proper for him to tell her to fulfill her father’s wishes first. (Sefer Chasidim 335)
21 ) If a mother tells her child to do a specific act and after-wards the father angrily asks him, “Why did you do this?”, he should not reveal that his mother told him to do it. (ibid. 336)
22) After a person has emerged from a dangerous place or situation, it is a mitzvah for him to notify his parents as soon a~ possible so that they should not worry about him. ( ibid. 5 75)
23) If you are away from home, you should write to your parent~ frequently. ( Heard from Roshei Yeshivas)
24) You fulfill the commandment of honoring your parents whenever you fulfill any of their wishes. (Sefer Chasidim 152)
25) You are obligated to honor your oldest brother. ( Yoral Daiah 340: 22)
26) Honoring your parents relatives is considered as honoring your parents. (Shearim Hametzuyanim B’halachah, vol. 4, p. 31′
27) A person is obligated to honor his parents even after they die, and for this reason a son says kaddish for a deceased parent ( Chayai Odom 67). When parents are alive, a child might have ulterior motives for honoring them. But when he honors them after their death, he definitely has a pure motivation ( Smochos 9: 21 ; see Hadibrah Hachamishis, pp. 175-196).
28) Some people spend a large amount of money on elaborate gravestones for their parents. The Chofetz Chayim writes that it preferable to buy a simple gravestone and utilize the money that saved toward starting a free-loan fund or donating sacred books a synagogue or yeshiva in their memory. This is a true honor f, one’s parents and a merit to their souls. ( Ahavas Chesed ch 5 f )
29) Parents should make sure that even their young children show respect toward them. If a young child forms the habit of being disrespectful to his parents, he will also lack respect when he grows up. The reward for honoring parents is long life (“That your days may be long”), therefore a parent who sincerely loves his children should make sure that they fulfill this commandment. (Derech S/ulah, p. 14)
30) A person might try to excuse himself from honoring His parents by saying, “Parents have a natural tendency to care about the welfare of their children just as they care about themselves. So why should I be grateful to my parents?”
True, God implanted in parents an innate, strong love for their children, but this does not lesson the Torah obligation to the child to honor and respect his parents. We must be grateful for the numerous acts of kindness that our parents have bestowed upon us, and have no right to minimize their efforts on our behalf by questioning their motives. (Chochmah Umiudsar, vol. 1, p. 43)
~ Love your Neighbour, Torah portion : Yitro , Zelig Pliskin
